Joke #406

An optimist stays up to see the New Year in. A pessimist waits to make sure the old one leaves. --Bill Vaughan

Joke #405

*Ring* Son: Hello. Dad: Mom & I are divorcing. Son: WAIT! I'm coming home! *Click* Dad: Honey, he is coming for Xmas & paying his own way!

Joke #404

Name five things that contain milk? Yogurt, cheese, and 3 cows!

Joke #403

Why was the teacher chased by a hen? It was after his wages he said he got paid chicken feed!

Joke #402

Violin for sale - going cheap "No Strings Attached!"

Joke #401

What is the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has No L (Noel).

Joke #400

Q: What do elves learn in school? A: The Elf-abet!

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas from 140Jokes here is a cheery video http://youtu.be/7E-47VmFopE Q: What do snowmen eat for breakfast? A: Snowflakes.

Joke #399

What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month? The letter "D" !

Joke #398

Why were you late this morning Sam? I squeezed the toothpaste too hard and it took me half an hour to get it all back into the tube again!

Joke #397

I think our school must be haunted - because the teacher keeps going on about the school spirit!

Joke #396

Teacher: Why are you scratching yourself boy? Joe: Because no-one else knows where I itch?

Joke #395

Where do vampire kids go on for field trips? LAKE EERIE!

Joke #394

Joe: Your parents are multi-millionaires, why do you smell awful? Sam: That because we are filthy rich!

Joke #393

Q: What do you get if you cross a parrot with a shark? A: A bird that will talk you ear off!

Joke #392

Q: What do you get if you cross a duck with a firework? A: A firequaker!

Joke #391

Q: What is the difference between a train and a teacher? A: A train says "choo-choo", but a teacher says spit out that gum!

Joke #390

Teacher: What is the plural of baby? Joe: TWINS!!!!

Joke #389

Joe: My math teacher is a peach! Sam: You mean she is pretty? Joe: No, she has a heart of stone!

Joke #388

Teacher: I called my first year class my little treasures. Because I have no idea where they were dug up!

Joke #387

Sam: The math teacher is feeling run down today! Joe: WOW! Did anyone get the number of the car that did it?

Joke #386

Q: Why do history teachers like fruite cake? A:Because it is full of DATES!!

Joke #385

Teacher: Joe, give me a sentence with word aroma in it. Joe: My uncle fred is always traveling, he's aroma!

Joke #384

Teacher: So, Sam, you say you know all the tables lets here it. Sam: Dining room table, kitchen room table, living room table.

Joke #383

Q: Why do doctors enjoy their schooldays? A: Because they are good at examinations!

Joke #382

Teacher: What did samson do in the bible? Student: He was a comedian, in the bible it says he brought the house down

Joke #381

Why are you taking that sponge into class? I always find History such an absorbing subject!

Joke #380

Parent: Why have you given my boy a bad grade - He's as intelligent as the next boy Teacher: Well the next boy is a failing student

Joke #379

What do you do if someone faints in a math exam? Try to bring them 2!

Joke #378

Sam: I thought we were going to play school today. John: I did, I decided to play absent

Joke #377

Teacher: What happened in 1869? Student: Mahatma Gandhi was born. Teacher: What happened in 1873? Student: Gandhi was four years old

Joke #376

Q: Why did the motorcycle take a break? A: Because it was "TWO TIRED"!

Joke #375

Q: Waiter how long will the chips be? A: About five centimeters each, I expect sir.

Joke #374

Q: What do you call a man who lives in an envelope? A: Bill.

Joke #373

Q: In what country will you not find a vegetarian? A: Turkey.

Joke #372

Life Question: Is it a good vacuum, if it really sucks?

Joke #371

Teacher: Why are you late for school? Joe: Because of the Sign. Teacher: What Sign? Joe: That one it says "School ahead go slow"

Joke #370

TEACHER: There's one thing I can say about your son. FATHER: What's that? TEACHER: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating.

Joke #369

Teacher: Could you please pay a little attention? Student: I'm paying as little attention as I can.

Joke #368

Teacher: You missed school yesterday didn't you? Pupil: Not very much!

Joke #267

Teacher: Did you father help your with your homework? Student: No, he did it all by himself.

Joke #366

Teacher: Name two days of the week that start with "T". Pupil: Today and Tomorrow.

Announcement!

365 jokes have posted + a few bonus jokes... 1 year of jokes in two years? We are now switching to a pay format $1 = Joke. Just kidding!

Joke #365

Teacher: How can you prove the earth is round? George: I can't. Besides, I never said it was.

Joke #364

Teacher: If you eat fish? Student: It's good for my eyes. Teacher: If you don't eat fish? Student: It's good for the fish!

Joke #363

Teacher: "Why are you on the floor?" Danny: "Because you said to do this Math problem without Tables."

Joke #362

Q: What comes before 8? A: My school bus usually.

Joke #361

Ms.Battle: Henry,I hope I didn't see you copying Casey's math test. Henry: I hope you didn't either.

Joke #360

My uncle is with the FBI. They caught him in Cleveland.

Joke #359

A lady was knitting and speeding on the highway. A cop pulls up to a vehicle. "Pullover!" the cop says "No, They're Mittens!" She replied.

Joke #358

What did one math book say to the other math book?

"I don't know about you man, but I got a lot of problems!

Joke #357

Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?" Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

Joke #356

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

Joke #355

GOLFER: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world." CADDY: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

Joke #354

TOWER: To cutback noise right 45 degrees. PILOT: We are at 35,000ft. How much noise can we make?TOWER: Ever heard a 747 hit a 737?

Joke #253

If I knew grandchildren were going to be this much fun, I would have had them first!

Joke #352

I bet the butcher 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

Joke #351

Employer:"We need someone responsible for the job." "Stop searching! In my old job when something was wrong, they said I was responsible."

Joke #350

Q: Why was the math textbook so sad? A: He had a lot of problems!

Joke #349

How many lawyers dose it take to change a light bulb? 3, 1 to climb the ladder, 1 to shake it, and 1 to sue the ladder company.

Joke #348

What's the opposite of Dominoes? Domi doesnt know.

Joke #347

What do you call a dear with no eyes? Noeyedear

Joke #346

Joe: What kind of fish is this? Aquarium keeper: Jelly Fish Joe: Which flavor it is?

Joke #345

Q: What is the oldest animal in the world? A: Zebra. It is the only animal that is still black and white.

Joke #344

Why did the Skeleton go to the movies by himself? He had no body to go with him.

Joke #343

What's the richest kind of air? Billionaire.

Joke #342

Which runs faster, hot or cold? HOT. Everyone can catch cold.

Joke #341

Why is it so hot in a stadium after a football game? Because all the fans have left.

Joke #340

What did Zero say to Eight? Nice belt!

Joke #339

What has ten letters and starts with gas? An automobile.

Joke #338

What do you give a cat for its birthday? A catologue!!!

Joke #337

What is the best type of ship? FRIENDSHIP!

Joke #336

Q:What do two oceans say when they meet? A:Nothing! Just wave

Joke #335

Q:Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm the school bell. A: Take These tablets and if they don't work give me a ring in the morning.

Joke #334

Q: In which room we cannot live? A: Mushroom.

Joke #333

Q: WHAT GATE CAN YOU NEVER ENTER A: COLGATE (TOOTHPASTE)

Joke #332

What do you call a old snowman? Water.

Joke #331

When is a door sweet and tasty?? When its jammed!!!

Joke #330

What do you call a penguin in the desert? Lost!!

Joke #329

A skeleton walks into a bar and says,"Give me a drink and rag."

Joke #328

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Joke #327

Jen: It is I who made my husband a millionaire. Sam: And what was he before you married him. Jen: A multi-millionaire.

Joke #326

When I got home last night my wife demanded that I 'take her somewhere expensive' ... I took her to a Gas station ...

Joke #325

How to propose to a girl. Take the Girl ALONG with you on a BOAT & in the MIDDLE of River and say: "MARRY ME or LEAVE the BOAT."

Joke #324

Jimmy: Daddy how can I stop annoying people with questions? Father: First, Don't think and Second...Stop Talking!!!

Joke #323

I took my mother in law out last night. One punch what a beauty.

Joke #322

Computer Geek Thoughts: I'm not anti-social. I'm just not user friendly.

Joke #321

Computer Geek Thoughts: If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0

Joke #320

Computer Geek Thoughts: I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code.

Joke #319

Chuck Norris doesn't swim (even though he can), the water holds Chuck Norris up.

Joke #318

Where do wild pigs go on weekends? Pignics.

Joke #317

Snake 1: Are we venomous? Snake 2: Yes,why?... Snake 1: I just bit my lip.

Joke #316

Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out fire. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks.

Joke #315

Ben:My dog doesn't have nose! Joey:How does he smell then? Ben:Awful!

Joke #314

Q. What's a crocodile's favorite shoe? A. Crocs.

Joke #313

Q: Why do seagulls fly over the sea? A: Because if they flew over the bay they'd be bagels!

Joke #312

Q: What do you call a cow during an earthquake? A: A milk shake.

Joke #311

Q: Why does a dog stay in a shadow. A: Because it doesn't want to be a Hotdog.

Joke #310

Knock, knock. Who's there? You hear the one about the broken pencil? You hear the one about the broken pencil who? Drop it, it's pointless

Joke #309

Mom: What's the password to the Disney website. Son: "MickeyMinnieGoofyPete" Mom: Why is it so long? Son: It said it had to be 4 characters

Joke #308

Once I saw a Amish cart with a bumper sticker saying."Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Don't step in exhaust.''

Joke #307

I found a skull in the woods. I called the police. But then I wondered, why he had deer horns.

Joke #306

Knock, knock. Who's There? Cow-go. Cow-go Who? No, Cow go MOO!!!

Joke #305

Knock, knock. Who's there? A little old man who can't reach the doorbell

Joke #304

Q:Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall? A:To make up for a lousy summer

Joke #303

Pretend you're in the jungle and a tiger is after you. What should you do? "STOP PRETENDING!"

Joke #302

What word is always spelled incorrectly? "INCORRECTLY!"

Joke #301

Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers.

Joke #300

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.

Joke #299

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.

Joke #298

Newspaper Article Title: If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

Joke #297

Newspaper Article Title: Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

Joke #296

Newspaper Article Title: Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Joke #295

Newspaper article title: Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Joke #294

There are two kinds of people in life: people who like their jobs, and people who don't work here anymore.

Joke #293

Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon

Joke #292

Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram

Joke #291

Conversation tool: 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

Joke #290

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

Joke #289

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

Joke #288

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Joke #287

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

Joke #286

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

Joke #285

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Joke #284

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

Joke #283

AIBOHPHOBIA - the fear of palindromes.

Joke #282

Why is money called dough? Because we all KNEAD it.

Joke #281

Bob: I hate paying my income tax. Sam: be a good citizen & pay with a smile? Bob: I'd like to but they insist on money!

Joke #280

Son: Dad, do you want to save money?
Dad: I would, any suggestions?
Son: Why not buy me a bike, then I won't wear my shoes out so fast.

Joke #279

What do you get if you cross a sorceress with a millionaire?
A very witch person.

Joke #278

Detective: How did you get into counterfeiting?
Criminal: I answered an ad that said, "Make money at home."

Joke #277

What do you call a Mexican that just got his car stolen: Carlos (Carlost)

Joke #276

What do you call a Mexican that is coming out of a hospital: Manuel (Manwell)

Joke #280

1970: Being called into the principal's office. 2000: Calling the principal's office.

Joke #279

The difference 30 years makes: 1970: Long Hair. 2000: Longing for hair.

Joke #278

Life Thought: Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid.

Joke #275

You may be a geek: If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory

Joke #274

You may be a geek: If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting

Joke #273

You may be a geek: If the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions

Joke #272

You may be an engineer: If you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run

Joke #271

Life Question? When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

Joke #270

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or not wearing clothes?

Joke #269

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

Joke #268

How do men sort their laundry? "Filthy" and Filthy but wearable"

Joke #267

My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"

Joke #266

My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"

Joke #265

All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.

Joke #264

You develop a noticeable pot belly. -15 Then exercise to get rid of it. +10 or You say, “It doesn’t matter, you have one too.”. -800

Joke #263

Wife point system: You take her out to a movie. +2 that she likes. +4 & you hate. +6 or that you like. -2 that’s called Death Cop3 -6

Joke #262

What do you call a sleeping walking nun? A Roaming Catholic.

Joke #261

Wife point system: You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing. 0 or it's something+5 You pummel it+10 It’s her cat-40

Joke #260

Someone has described heaven as a family reunion that never ends. What could hell possibly be like? Endless home videos of the reunion?

Joke #259

To err is human. To forgive is against company policy.

Joke #258

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Joke #257

If your feet smell and your nose runs, you’re built upside down.

Joke #256

If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either. - Dick Cavett

Joke #255

SMS Conversation: Gorgeous, intelligent, kind, sweet, charming, witty, hilarious, friendly...well enough about ME! How are you?

Joke #254

If you need advice, txt me... if you need a friend, call... if you need me, come... if you need money... SUBSCRIBER CANNOT BE REACHED!

Joke #253

Life Question: If you jogged backward ... would you gain weight?

Joke #252

Don't spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army. They'll clean it, put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it for ¢.50

Joke #251

Police Quotes: "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours at least you know someone who can post your bail."

Joke #250

Police Quotes: "Warning? You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

Joke #249

Police Quotes:"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

Joke #248

Office realities: A Committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but as a group decide that nothing can be done.

Joke #247

Statistics Mathematician: 43% of all statistics are worthless.

Joke #246

Pizza Shop Slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

Joke #245

At a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

Joke #244

Joke #243

Winston Churchill Funny Quotes: In war it does not matter who is right, but who is left.

Joke #242

Winston Churchill Funny Quotes History will be kind to me, for I intend to write it.

Joke #241

New Dictionary Definition: MOSQUITO
An insect that makes you like flies better.

Joke #240

New Dictionary definition: BEAUTY PARLOR
A place where women curl up and dye.

Joke #239

Feedback from cat on Ebay POSITIVE: I don't remember what I ordered. But I've been sitting in the box it came in all day, and it's great!

Joke #238

Driving Exam Answers Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road? A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Joke #237

Life Questions, If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Joke #236

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

Joke #235

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

Joke #234

Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Joke #233

The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.

Joke #232

Silly question to ask your teacher "Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park sites?"

Joke #231

I have friends who swear they dream in color...It's just a pigment of their imagination

Joke #230

Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.

Joke #229

borrow money from pessimists- they don't expect it back.

Joke #228

Ham and Eggs: A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.

Joke #227

Mechanic: I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Joke #226

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

Joke #225

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your 'Count' that votes.

Joke #224

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

Joke #223

Patient: Doctor doctor, I think I need glasses.
Waiter: You certainly do, you've just walked into a fast food joint!!

Joke #222

Dad: "Doctor! Doctor! my son has swallowed a pen!" Doc: Use a pencil!

Joke #221

words of wisdom: If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Joke #220

Life lesson: Good judgement comes from experience. Unfortunately, experience usually comes from bad judgement.

Joke #219

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

Joke #218

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about his future until he gets a wife

Joke #217

What's better than a talking dog? A spelling bee.

Joke #216

How to fly: 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

Joke #215

What do you get when you cross Lassie with a rose? A collie flower.

Joke #214

What do you call a dog who helps you carry hot things? An oven mutt.

Joke #213

What did the cat get on the test? A purr-fect score.

Joke #212

DAD: When Abe Lincoln was your age, he walked to school, uphill, in the snow, daily. SON: When Abe was your age, dad, he was president!

Joke #208

How did the astronaut feel when he ran into the alien with six lasers for arms? Stunned.

Joke #211

How do you turn a scientist into a mad scientist? Step on his toes.

Joke #210

How does the man on the moon trim his hedge? H-eclipse it.

Joke #209

How do you throw the best party in the universe? You plan-et

Joke #207

What do you call a boy floating in the pool? bob.

Joke #206

What do they serve at the cyber cafe? Silicon chips with dip.

Joke #205

Why was the car smelly? It had to much gas.

Joke #204

Why do basketball players stay home in the off-season? Because the aren't allowed to TRAVEL!

Joke #203

Why did all the bees in the hive start throwing up? There was a bug going around.

Joke #202

My parents were soooooo poor, they got married for the rice.

Joke #201

Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.

Joke #200

(200th! post) OLD WEATHERMEN never die, they reign forever

Joke #199

What musical note do you hear when a car runs over a bee? Bee-flat.

Joke #198

Genius does what it must, talent does what it can, and you had best do what you're told.

Joke #197

Parent: Why have you given my boy such a bad grade? He's as intelligent as the next boy! Teacher: Yes, but the next boy is an dummy!

Joke #196

Why do dogs bark at people? To give them a ruff time.

Joke #195

What do you shout when santa claus is doing the register? PRESENT!

Joke #194

Why did the math teacher take a ruler in his car? So he could see how long it took him to get to work in the morning

Joke #193

if some new cars have satellite radio, what kinds of cars have cable? Cable cars.

Joke #192

Out of all the animals, why is the rabbit the coolest? Because it can hip-hop.

Joke #191

Where do cows go on vacation? Cowlifornia.

Joke #190

What happend to the kitten that got caught in the Xerox machine? He became a copycat.

Joke #189

Question: what is the point of the asteroid belt. Answer: to hold up the asteroid's pants of course

Joke #188

Why did the fish stop smoking cigarettes? He didn't want to get hooked.

Joke #187

Judy: have you ever seen an antelope? Trudy: No, all my aunts had church weddings.

Joke #186

To kick start my New Year, I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Joke #185

Where do ants live? Usually with uncles.

Jokes #184

What do you call a parrot when it flies away. A polygon

Joke #416

How to annoy people: Set alarms for random times.

Joke #183

How can you get a cat to do tricks? Put a dog in a cat suit

Joke #182

what do you call someone who won't spend money on jeep? a Jeepskate.

Joke #181

Where do dogs buy their clothing? at the K-9 Mart

Joke #180

While checking out Jen dropped a TV remote from her purse. Cashier: Why the TV remote? Jen: To get back at my husband for not coming with me