Joke #179

The Good, Bad & Ugly on Fashion. Good: Your husband understands fashion. Bad: He's a cross-dresser. Ugly: He looks better than you.

Joke #178

if you have a habit of not succeeding first time around, skydiving is not for you.

Joke #177

Money can't buy you happiness... but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan

Jokes #176

What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh, Ho, Ho, Swoosh? Santa Claus caught in a revolving door.

Joke #175

only in Canada... Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.

Joke #174

Funny Fortune Cookie saying. Only a fool would look to a cookie for words of wisdom.

Joke #173

Funny Fortune Cookie saying. Help! I'm being held prisoner inside a Chinese bakery!

Joke #172

Fun Things To Do On An Elevator. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"

Joke #171

You might be addicted to the internet when.... You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

Joke #170

You might be addicted to the internet when.... You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

Joke #169

Things To Do On An Elevator While Bored. When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

Joke #168

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Joke #167

This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, goofs dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! Now ignore the word dog.

Joke #166

What's the quietest place in the world? The complaint department at the parachute packing plant.

Joke #165

What do you get when you play a country song backward? You get your job back, your house back, your wife back, your truck back...

Joke #164

Did you hear about the two TV antennas that got married? The wedding terrible but the reception was terrific.

Joke #163

Sometimes I wake up Grumpy other times I let Doppy do it/

Joke #162

Good excuses for sleeping at work. 1. Someone must’ve put decaf in the wrong pot. 2. They told me at the blood bank this might happen.

Joke #161

Politically Correct Schools, The food at the school cafeteria isn’t awful…
It’s “digestively challenged.”

Joke #160

Politically Correct Schools. No one fails a class anymore… They are merely “passing impaired.”

Joke #159

Giraffes were created when chuck norris punched a horse up under the chin!

Joke #158

Bob: My wife does all the work at home. Sam: Oh yeah, Mine thinks i'm a god! Bob: Why? Sam: Burnt offering, every night.

Joke #157

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I’ll show you A-flat minor

Joke #156

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

Joke #155

Funny book title: "Don't Leave Without Me" by Isa Coming

Joke #154

Useful Phrases for High Stress Days, I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

Joke #153

I didn't come to school yesterday because I was feeling like I was going to be sick, but thankfully I wasn't!

Joke #152

bad excuses for being late. It rained on my side of town so I couldn't see and dog ate my car keys i had to wait until...

Joke #151

The 4th Division of Paperclips has overrun the Pushpin Infantry, and General White-Out has called for reinforcements.

Joke #150

if you put “eat chocolate” at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you’ll get one thing done.

Joke #149

Chocolate Rule, If you’ve got melted chocolate all over your hands, you’re eating it too slowly.

Joke #148

COP: Your license says you need glasses. Driver: I have contacts. COP: I don't care who you know, you still get a fine.

Joke #146

TEACHER: This homework looks like your mothers writing.
PUPIL: Of course, I used her pen!

Joke #147

The first day of school is always special to me. It's the only day of the year when I'm not behind in my homework.

Joke #146

WATSON: What school did you go to, Holmes?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson!

Joke #145

Why was "the Energizer Bunny" arrested
He was charged with battery

Joke #144

Utah Crazy Law, It is against the law to fish from horseback

Joke #143

Q:What do two oceans do when they meet?
A:Nothing! Just wave

Joke #142

TEACHER: Name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. 
PUPIL: Me!

Joke #141

Q. Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing?
A. He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.

Joke #140

Two fish in a tank - one says to the other, "How do you drive this thing?"

Joke #139

What's wrong with Lawyer jokes?
Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're jokes.

Joke #138

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

Joke #137

Why does a duck never swim on an empty stomach? Because it is easier to swim in water!

Joke #136

A doctor noted bruises on his patients shins. Puzzled he asked, Do you play any sports? No doc, I play bridge with my wife

Joke #135

Teacher: If this class doesn't stop making so much noise I'll go crazy ?
Class: Too late, we haven't made a sound for an hour!

Joke #134

Why did the tomato blush? Because it saw Mr. Green Pea over the fence.

Joke #133

Tom: I couldn't wake up for work. So I bought sleeping pills. Then I woke up two hours early!
Boss: "Good, But where were you yesterday?"

Joke #132

Mother: Does your teacher like you
Son: Like me, she loves me. Look at all those X's on my test paper

Joke #131

Why do cowboys always die with their boots on?
So they won't stub their toes when they kick the bucket.

Joke #130

Why do potatoes make good detectives, Because they keep their eyes peeled

Joke #129

A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken. 

Joke #128

Fun things to do at work: Use a banana or any other vegetable as a pointer for your next presentation.

Joke #127

Fun things to do at work: Water the fake office plants.

Joke #126

Fun things to do at work come to work in army camoflauge and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it".

Joke #125

Person 1: I have been using this invisible ink pen for 5 years. Person 2: How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Joke #124

What happened when the cat went to the flea circus? He stole the whole show!

Joke #123

Where is one place that your cat can sit, but you can't? Your lap.

Joke #122

Why did the cat run from the tree? Because it was afraid of the bark!

Joke #121

What has more lives than a cat? A frog because it croaks every night.

Joke #120

What do you call six weeks of rain in Scotland?
Summer!

Joke #119

Excuse for No joke Monday. It rained hard on my side of town last night and my doors swelled up so I couldn't get out of my car.

Joke #118

Why is it so hard for a leopard to hide? Because he's always spotted.

Joke #117

Where does a cat go when it loses its tail? The retail store.

Joke #116

Why don't cats play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.

Joke #115

Fun things to do at work: Put a sign on your photocopier that says "New Copier Voice activated speak your command" Watch the fun.

Joke #115

My mother taught me HUMOR... "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

Joke #114

The fight we had last night was my fault,
my wife asked me what was on the TV and i said dust.

Joke #113

A Mother's Dictionary: Dumbwaiter, One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Joke #113

A Mother's Dictionary, Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."

Joke #112

A Mother's Dictionary

Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

Joke #111

A Mother's Dictionary

Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

Joke #110

Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

Joke #109

What keeps a square from falling over in a wind storm? Square roots, of course.

Joke #108

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

Joke #107

The human brain is 80% water. Thus making it easier for aliens to suck up our brains through straws

Joke #107

Campers: nature's way of feeding mosquitoes 

Joke #106

Q: What does a sick pig take? A: Oinkment. Q. And a Swine flu contractor? A. Drugs, pills, syrups, coffee."WRONG!" Don't be a hero, go home

Joke #105

The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in jelly.

Joke #104

Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things. Boy: What are the two things? Girl: Your feet.

Joke #103

Once you make something fool proof, someone will produce a better fool

Joke #102

How to know you are a computer geek, When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address.

Joke #101

Two cows are in a field, one says to the other, Are you worried about mad cow disease? The other replies, why do I care, I’m a helicopter!

Joke #100

My grandpa always said, “Don’t watch your money; watch your health.” So I started watching my health, My money was stolen. It was my grandpa

Joke #99

An old lady was asked what was one of the benefits of being 99 years old she responded. "very little peer pressure"

Joke #98

When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.
Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

Joke #97

Why do ducks have webbed feet To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet To stamp out burning ducks.

Joke #96

Being in politics is like a football coach. You have to be smart enough to understand the game, and dumb enough to think it’s important

Joke #95

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip round the sun.

Joke #94

Treasury Secretary Paul has quit. He didn't want to quit, but there wasn't any money left in the treasury so he's got nothing to do - jay L

Joke #93

Good Idea: Finding Easter eggs on Easter.
Bad Idea: Finding Easter eggs on Christmas.

Joke #92

Q. What kind of book does a rabbit like at bedtime?

A. One with a hoppy ending.

Joke #91

Q. What do you call a rabbit who tells jokes?
A. A funny bunny.

Joke #90

Q. What does the Easter Rabbit get for making a basket?

A. Two points just like everybody!

Joke #89

Q. Do you know how to find the Easter bunny if he was lost?

A. Make a noise like a carrot; he'll find you.

Joke #88

Q. What do you call a rabbit with fleas?

A. Bugs Bunny

Joke #87

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Joke #86

One time I had to go to a funeral at 6 AM. I shouldn't have been there. I'm not a mourning person

Joke #85

"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

Joke #84

Adam had good marriage. He didn't have to hear about the men Eve could've gone with, and she didn't have to worry about the In-laws visiting

Joke #83

Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing

Joke #82

Q. what do ducks eat?   
A. quackers :-)

Joke #81

"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves."

Joke #80

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

Joke #79

"I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts.

Joke #78

 I have claustrophobia combined with fear of success so I completely fell apart when I did a really good job painting the inside of my closet

Joke #77

If I twitter and no one is one twitter is that a wasted thought?

Joke #76

woman are in the military, but they don't go on the frontline, why? to win just say that the other side said the look fat in those uniforms

Joke #75

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do people still act like monkeys and apes. also why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Joke #74

"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh? says a cop to the speeder"

Joke #73

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

Joke #72

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

Joke #71

How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but it takes a lot of light bulbs!

Joke #70

If an athlete gets athlete's foot and a tennis pro gets tennis elbow what does an astronaut get? missile toe!

Joke #69

Billy:why are you snapping like that Paige:cause it keeps away space aliens Billy: WHAT aliens! I don't see any aliens Paige: see it works

Joke #68

Girl: I am really tan from the sun!
Martian: How do you do, really tan from the sun, I am Glorb from Mars

Joke #67

Dad: Nick, what is the the capital of Italy Nick: What do you think it is Dad: I don't think, I KNOW! Nick: I don't think I know either

Joke #66

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils ... - Louis Hector Berlioz

Joke #64

Q. Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing?
A. He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.

Joke #63

only a few women admit their age and only a few men act their age

Joke #62

Two snowmen are standing in a field. One says to the other : "Funny, I smell carrots too".

Joke #61

in a bar two guys order drinks. They start eating food from home, A worker tells them, you can't eat your own food here. they switch meals

Joke #60

Two peanuts walk into down an dark alley.
One was a salted.

Joke #59

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Joke #58

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain.
Carol Leifer

Joke #57

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Joke #56

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

Joke #55

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires.  I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

Joke #54

Did you ever notice: When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together, they spell "THEIRS"?

Joke #53

If a turtle doesnt have a shell, is it naked or homeless ?

Joke #52

What can you do in radiation-contaminated rivers?
Nuclear fission.

Joke #51

What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?
Everyone can chop beef, but not everyone can pea soup!

Joke #50

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

Joke #49

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

Joke #48

If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.

Joke #47

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
He didn't have the guts

Joke #46

What was the witches' favorite subject in school?
Spelling

Joke #45

What has orange hair, big feet, and comes out of a test tube?
Bozo the clone

Joke #44

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"
The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

Joke #43

Light travels faster than sound... This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

Joke #42

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.

Joke #41

If you arrest a mime, do you still have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Joke #40

Ron: What is your name.  Kid: Size 6 & 7/8th's    Ron: Why the weird name?   Kid: Oh my parents just pulled it out of a hat.

Joke #39

How many social scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They do not change light bulbs; they search for the root cause as to why the last one went out.

Joke #38

Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.

Joke #37

Why do guys like lava lamps?
They're fun to watch, but not very bright!

Joke #36

Men are like computers: Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

Joke #35

How do you make a bandstand? Take away their chairs!

Joke #34

Shrink: Do you have trouble making decisions? Patient: Well...yes and no.

Joke #33

What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn't matter... he won't come to you anyway!

Joke #32

Why don't oysters give to charity?
Because they're shellfish.

Joke #31

Police Station toilet stolen....Cops have nothing to go on.

Joke #30

Have you ever noticed... anybody going slower than you is an idiot. And anyone going faster is a maniac.
George Carlin

Joke #29

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.