Joke #546

Teacher: If I gave you $5 a week for the next for then next 5 months what you have? Student: A new best friend!

Joke #545

Teacher: I think you need glasses Joey. Joey: Why would you say that? Teacher: Because you are facing the wrong way!

Joke #544

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

Joke #543

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat. It is more effective!

Joke #542

A bus is a vehicle which drives slowly while waiting for it, but drives fast if you are running late!

Joke #541

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship & there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you & think of you often.

Joke #540

Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

Joke #539

Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.

Joke #538

Teacher: Wasn't your father supposed to help you with your school work? Student: He used to but now I can get it all wrong by my self!

Joke #537

Acquaintance: a person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.

Joke #536

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Joke #535

A closed mind is like a closed book; just a block of wood

Joke #534

JOB POSTING - Music teacher. Good pay, great kids, and perks (piano, with stool, sheet music, and ear plugs).

Joke #533

Q: How can a school cook also be the history teacher. A: Easy, they know more than anyone else about ancient grease!

Joke #532

Teacher: Do you think H.G. Wells is good? Student: I have no idea, we get all of our water from the tap not a well.

Joke #531

Sam: The teachers have been working flat out in the teachers lounge marking exam papers! Joe: Really? I thought they were napping as usual?

Joke #530

You had better behave in Mr. Smith's music class or you'll find yourself in treble(trouble)!

Joke #529

Q: Where do alien teachers learn how to be teachers? A: Moony-versity!

Joke #528

Teacher: How do you work out the age of a tree monkey? Student: you cut it in half and count the rings!

Joke #527

Did you hear about the janitor who married the history teacher? He was brushing up some old dates and he swept her off her feet

Joke #526

Teacher: If we do the 10 times table, 10 times, how many times will we have done it? Student: Is this a trick question?

Joke #525

Joey: Quick turn on the news, my class is going to be on. Mom: Why, are you guys getting an award? Joey: Yeah, the worse class in the city!

Joke #524

Bob: Excuse me, waiter, This soup has hairs in it! Waiter: That's weird it is supposed to be rabbit soup not hare soup?

Joke #523

Teacher: Why didn't you show up today at 8:45? Student: Because the sign out front said "Stop Children Crossing"

Joke #522

Q: What happens to children at magic school who misbehave? A: The are ex-spelled!

Joke #521

Q: Why do American Mobsters care musical cases? A: Because they often committed crime with violions (violence).

Joke #520

Teacher: What covers the tree and protects it from the weather? George: I don't know! Teacher: Bark, George, BARK! George: WOOF, WOOF!

Joke #519

I couldn't finish my homework last night because my pen ran out, and I am not allowed to go out of the house after dark!

Joke #518

Our school lunches are full of iron - which is probably why they are so difficult to chew!

Joke #517

Student: Excuse me teacher! French Teacher: Remember you should be speaking in french! Student: I don't know french, but I really need to *OUI*!!!

Joke #516

Q:How do robot leave a room so fast? A:They make a bolt for it!

Joke #515

Q: Why did the music teacher tell his pupil to beat it? A: He was trying to tell him to play the bass drum

Joke #514

Q:How did people react when electricity was first discovered? A:The got a nasty shock!

Joke #513

How does a math teacher get hard wax out of his ears? Well, he works it out with a pencil and paper of course!

Joke #512

What do you get when you cross a vampire and a telescope? A horrorscope!

Joke #510

Why are skeletons bad piano salesmen? Because, they have no organs!

Joke #509

Dad: How many MILLIONS OF TIMES, have I told you to stop exaggerating! Son: I don't know THREE TRILLION TIMES?

Joke #508

Teacher:I lend your dad $500; saying 50/month payback, in 4 months he owes? Sam:$500! Teacher:You don't get math? Sam:You don't get my dad!

Joke #507

Differences of north and south. A northern fairytale begins "Once upon..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this..."

Joke #506

A consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively, what no one believes individually.

Joke #505

The more vital your research, the less people will understand it.

Joke #504

It is not how good a job you do, it is how good you can make that job sound.

Joke #503

Complex problems have simple, easy to understand, wrong answers.

Joke #502

Of all the children you have, the one child who does NOT grow up and move out is your husband.

Joke #501

Integrity is Everything. I'll sell you mine for fifty bucks.

Joke #500

Funny Headline: "Federal Agents raid gun shop, find weapons"

Joke #499

Funny Headlines: "Enraged Bull Injures Farmer With Axe"

Joke #498

Funny Headline: "CRIME: Sheriff Asks For 13.7% Increase"

Joke #497

Funny Headline: "County to pay $250,000 to advertise lack of funds."

Joke #496

Funny Headline: "Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Feed The Needy"

Joke #495

Funny Headline: "Bank 'Drive-in' Window Blocked by Board"

Joke #494

Funny Headline: "Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spaceship"

Joke #493

Funny Headline: "Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better"

Joke #492

Funny Headline: "Ban On Boxing After Death"

Joke #491

Funny Headline: Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years.

Joke #490

Army vehicle disappears. An Australian army vehicle worth $74,000 has gone missing after being painted with camouflage.

Joke #489

Funny Newspaper Headline: 30 Year Friendship Ends At Alter

Joke #488

A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.

Joke #487

I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a cup of ice cream, ...and a good chocolate bar.

Joke #486

April Fools PRANK: Take a friends cell phone and tape it under a chair and then start calling. Watch them try to find the phone.

Joke #485

For April Fools: frozen milk, vinegar for apple juice, mayonnaise for yogurt, salt in the sugar bowl. it's a sure way to start a crazy day.

Joke #484

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Joke #483

To be sure you hit the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Joke #482

For every action, there is a corresponding over-reaction.

Joke #481

Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.

Joke #480

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

Joke #479

Everything is edible, some things are only edible once.

Joke #478

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

Joke #477

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Joke #476

Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.

Joke #475

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

Joke #474

When in doubt, mumble.

Joke #473

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

Joke #472

If you can't convince them, confuse them.

Joke #471

If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!

Joke #470

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

Joke #469

I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.

Joke #468

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

Joke #467

Get a new car for your spouse; it'll be a great trade!

Joke #466

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Joke #465

Experience is something you don't get until right after you need it.

Joke #464

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Joke #463

All generalizations are false, including this one.

Joke #462

Funny Prayer: Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.

Joke #461

What did the bartender say to the jumper cables when they walked into the bar? Ok you to, don't start anything.

Joke #460

Why did the jelly bean baby go to school? Because he wanted to be a smarty.

Joke #459

Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

Joke #458

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Joke #457

Joke #456

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Joke #455

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Joke #454

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Joke #453

Fighting for peace is like starting a public out cry for silence.

Joke #452

If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

Joke #451

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

Joke #450

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

Joke #449

Kids: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then for the next 16, telling them to sit and be quiet.

Joke #448

Q: What did the valentine card say to the stamp? A: Stick with me and we'll go places!

Joke #447

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Joke $446

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Joke #445

Son: What does it take to grow up? Dad: We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

Joke #444

What to say during an argument: The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Joke #443

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Joke #442

JOHN: I didn't use a recipe for the casserole - I made it from scratch from my head! BOB: I thought it tasted like sawdust

Joke #441

In the bible it tells us that God was a healer! Yeah I know, because God gave tablets to moses.

Joke #440

What do you call the computer teachers son? CHIP!

Joke #439

What do you call a carpentry teachers daughter? Giselle! (Chisel)

Joke #438

What do you call a music teachers daughters? Melody & Carol!

Joke #437

What do you call a math teachers kid? JUAN! (one)

Joke #436

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Joke #435

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Joke #434

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Joke #433

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

Joke #432

Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

Joke #431

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Joke #430

Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

Joke #429

I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

Joke #428

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

Joke #427

Atheism is a nonPROPHET organization.

Joke #426

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

Joke #425

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

Joke #424

A bus station is where a bus Stops. A train station is where a train STOPS. On my desk, I have a work station..

Joke #423

Always be sincere, even if you don't mean it

Joke #422

Don't judge a book by its movie.

Joke #421

It is bad luck to be superstitious.

Joke #420

Conclusion: the place where you got tired of thinking.

Joke #419

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

Joke #418

How to annoy people: Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

Joke #417

How to annoy people 1 ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE 2 only type in lowercase 3 dont use any punctuation either

Joke #416

How to annoy people: Set alarms for random times.

Joke #415

How to annoy people: Wear your pants backwards.

Joke #414

How to annoy people: Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."

Joke #413

How to annoy people: Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

Joke #412

How to annoy people: Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

Joke #411

How to annoy people: Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

Joke #410

how to annoy people: Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep..."

Joke #409

How to annoy people: Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

Joke #408

Bob: Doc, I have a fever. Doctor: You will have to take 4 cups of the medicine. Bob: but doc, I only have 3 cups at home, what can I do?

Joke #407

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.